The Pope takes a visit to NYC, and after all the hoopla he wants to spend some time on his own just seeing the sights---without his entourage. So he rents a limo, and the driver shows him some sights. Finally, the Pope says to the driver, " Listen, my son, I have such a structured life, and I have little time to relax. Driving has always relaxed me. Do you suppose you could find it in your heart to let me drive? In the meantime, you can sit back here and relax yourself." At a loss of what to say, the driver gives in to this unusual request. The Pope gets in behind the wheel of the limo. For a few moments the driver sits in the back and enjoys the ride. As a driver, he so rarely got the privilage of being driven. Then he notices the Pope is an excellent driver. He's making great time whizzing through the city streets, making all the lights. He's a really great driver. Just then lights start flashing from behind. It's the police. Obviously, the Pope has been exceeding the speed limit. The Pope pulls the limo to the side of the road and the officer approaches. The officer looks in the car and sees the Pope at the wheel. The policeman says to the Pope, "Umm, just a minute your eminence. Wait here, please." The officer runs back to his patrol car and picks up the radio. He says to the dispatcher, nervously, "I've got a bit of a problem here. I just pulled over someone really important and I don't know what to do." The dispatcher responds, "Did you pull over the Mayor?" Cop: "No bigger." Dispatcher: "The Governor?" Cop: getting more nervous: "Bigger. Much, much bigger." Dispatcher, "Oh no. Don't tell me you pulled over the President?" Cop: "No not the President. More important." Dispatcher: "Well who the hell then?" The cop responds almost in a panic, "OK, OK ..I don't know who it is. But this guy must be really big!! The Pope is his driver!!!"
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest climbs the stairs. The executioneer asks if he wants it 'face-up' or face-down. He says he wants to be looking towards heaven when he dies, "Face up".
He lays his head on the block, looking at the clear blue sky. They pull the rope. Nothing happens -- he shouts "Hallelujah!", that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go.
The lawyer climbs the stairs. The executioneer asks the same question. Lawyer figures it worked once, God might not know the difference, so "Face-up."
He lays his head on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade. He proclaims that he can't be executed twice for the same crim and he is set free.
The engineer climbs the stairs. Same Question. He figures 2 for two is pretty good odds and give the same answer. He lays his head on the block, looks up and says, "Yo dude. *I* see your problem..."
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
Article 3231 of rec.humor.funny: From: stevek@ceco.UUCP (Steve Kroese) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Macintosh vs. IBM Keywords: original, maybe, computer Date: 21 Dec 91 11:30:03 GMT Approved: email@example.com Original work written by Stephen Kroese As I was walking down the street the other day, I noticed a man working on his house. He seemed to be having a lot of trouble. As I came closer, I saw that he was trying to pound a nail into a board by a window -- with his forehead. He seemed to be in a great deal of pain. This made me feel very bad, watching him suffer so much just to fix his window pane. I thought, "Here is an opportunity to make someone very happy simply by showing him a better way to do things." Seeing him happy would make me happy too. So I said, "Excuse me sir, there is a better way to do that." He stopped pounding his head on the nail and with blood streaming down his face said, "What?" I said, "There is a better way to pound that nail. You can use a hammer." He said, "What?" I said "A hammer. It's a heavy piece of metal on a stick. You can use it to pound the nail. It's faster and it doesn't hurt when you use it." "A hammer, huh?" "That's right. If you get one I can show you how to use it and you'll be amazed how much easier it will make your job." Somewhat bewildered he said,"I think I have seen hammers, but I thought they were just toys for kids." "Well, I suppose kids could play with hammers, but I think what you saw were brightly colored plastic hammers. They look a bit like real hammers, but they are much cheaper and don't really do anything," I explained. "Oh," he said. Then went on, "But hammers are more expensive than using my forehead. I don't want to spend the money for a hammer." Now somewhat frustrated I said, "But in the long run the hammer would pay for itself because you would spend more time pounding nails and less time treating head wounds." "Oh," he said. "But I can't do as much with a hammer as I can with my forehead," he said with conviction. Exasperated, I went on. "Well, I'm not quite sure what else you've been using your forehead for, but hammers are marvelously useful tools. You can pound nails, pull nails, pry apart boards, in fact every day people like you seem to be finding new ways to use hammers. And I'm sure a hammer would do all these things much better than your forehead." "But why should I start using a hammer? All my friends pound nails with their foreheads too. If there were a better way to do it I'm sure one of them would have told me," he countered. Now he had caught me off guard. "Perhaps they are all thinking the same thing," I suggested. "You could be the first one to dicover this new way to do things," I said with enthusiasm. With a skeptical look in his bloodstained eye he said,"Look, some of my friends are professional carpenters. You can't tell me they don't know the best way to pound nails." "Well, even professionals become set in their ways and resist change." Then in a frustrated yell I continued, "I mean come on! You can't just sit there and try to convince me that using your forehead to pound nails is better than using a hammer!" Now quite angry he yelled back, "Hey listen buddy, I've been pounding nails with my forehead for many years now. Sure, it was painful at first but now it's second nature to me. Besides, all my friends do it this way and the only people I've ever seen using 'hammers' were little kids. So take your stupid little children's toys and get the hell off my property." Stunned, I started to step back. I nearly tripped over a large box of head bandages. I noticed a very expensive price tag on the box and a blue company logo on the price tag. I had seen all I needed to see. This man had somehow been brainwashed, probably by the expensive bandage company, and was beyond help. Hell, let him bleed, I thought. People like that deserve to bleed to death. I walked along, happy that I owned not one but three hammers at home. I used them every day at school and I use them now evey day at work and I love them. A sharp pain hit my stomach as I recalled the days before I used hammers, but I reconciled myself with the thought that tonight at the hammer users club meeting I could talk to all my friends about their hammers. We will make jokes about all the idiots we know that don't have hammers and discuss wether we should spend all of our money buying the fancy new hammers that just came out. Then when I get home, like every night, I will sit up and use one of my hammers until very late when I finally fall asleep. In the morning I will wake up ready to go out into the world proclaiming to all non- hammer users how they too could become an expert hammer user like me. Stephen Kroese firstname.lastname@example.org Chicago, IL -- Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to email@example.com. Do not use the old site of "looking.on.ca" please. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Article 2143 (1 more) in rec.humor.funny (moderated): From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Brett K. Carver) Subject: Bug out Keywords: computer, chuckle Message-ID: <S1a0.email@example.com> Date: 7 Oct 90 23:30:07 GMT Lines: 88 Here's a list of famous quotes and words of wisdom developed by the engineers from the now defunct Salt Lake City Operation of Hewlett-Packard. Over a period of several days they slowly appeared on a centrally located white-board. One day I copied them down to save for posterity. Brett Carver firstname.lastname@example.org ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Few Lesser Known Famous Quotes: "Code so clean...you can eat off it." "Learned more from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school." Bruce Sprinsteen "Four score and seven (hundred) bugs ago, our fore-fathers brought forth a new application." from The Gettysbug Address "If we can't fix it, it isn't broken." Lab manager "Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix." QA manager "Don't break it if you can't fix it." Marketing manager I think therefore I create bugs." Descartes "Debug is human, de-fix divine." "There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him." P. T. Bugem The Bugs Of Wrath John Steinbug "There are two ways to write bug-free code; only the third way works." unknown consultant Final message received from the Titanic: "Fatal crash due to icebug." "Bugs Bunny was an optimist." "One small bug for man, one great program for mankind." N. Armstrong "The bug is mightier than the fix." Cyrano deBuggerac "Man does not live by bug fixes alone." The Super-User "For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered." "The bug stops here." H. Trubug "Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix." Rhett Buggler "I regret that I have but one fix to give for my country." Nathan Hale "I have just begun to debug." "...Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth..." John 11:43-44 "Bugs bugs everywhere, and not a fix in sight." "I never met a bug I didn't like." Will Rogers "A feature is a bug with seniority." "This time I'm going to get that cwwwwazzy ewwwor." Elmer Fud -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
Article 1673 of rec.humor.funny: Path: apple!usc!cs.utexas.edu!ssbn!looking!funny-request From: email@example.com (Eric Lechner) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Warning! Dangerous Contamination! Keywords: original, smirk Message-ID: <firstname.lastname@example.org> Date: 21 Feb 90 11:30:06 GMT Sender: email@example.com Lines: 69 Approved: firstname.lastname@example.org Reply-Path: ucscb.ucsc.edu!lechner (something a friend and myself wrote up sometime last year...) CONTAMINATION WARNING! Recently, it has been discovered that our water system has been contaminated with a hazardous chemical. This chemical is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and dissolves completely in water. No action has been taken regarding this dangerous contamination. This substance is dihydrogen monoxide, and has the following properties: o It is used as in industrial solvent and coolant, and is used in the production of styrofoam. o It is used in many forms of animal research. o It is used in the distribution of deadly pesticides. o It is an integral part of the operation of nuclear power plants. o It accelerates corrosion and rusting. o It contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape. o Inhalation of the substance has been shown to cause death. o In certain forms, this chemical can cause severe burns, cloud the atmosphere, and may contribute to the "greenhouse effect". It can also damage concrete and glass, as well as the surfaces or roadways. It may also be related to electrical failures, and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes. o It may have been a factor in the destruction of the Space Shuttle "Challenger". o It has been directly linked to thousands of deaths in third-world countries, especially those which do not have the resources to properly deal with the threat, or treat people who have come into contact with it. o Quantities of this substance have been found in our rivers, lakes, streams, oceans, reservoirs, and now our local water system. It has also permeated the atmosphere, and has contaminated ground water. o No current form of water purification can completely eliminate the deadly substance. o Our government has spent millions of dollars in an attempt to control and contain this dangerous chemical. o Every day, hundreds of secret research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store quantities for later use. o Several government agencies are tracking the degree of contamination throughout the world. o This administration has not dealt with the problem or production, distribution, and use of the damaging chemical, possibly due to the importance to the "economic health of the nation". Act _now_ to prevent further contamination. Find our more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you, and others throughout the world. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce.
From email@example.com Thu Nov 10 21:15:34 1994 Received: from hubcap.clemson.edu by apple.com with SMTP (5.61/8-Oct-1993-eef) id AA15225; Thu, 10 Nov 94 21:15:22 -0800 for dlyons Received: from [220.127.116.11] ([18.104.22.168]) by hubcap.clemson.edu (8.6.7/8.6.4) with SMTP id AAA06644; Fri, 11 Nov 1994 00:14:30 -0500 Message-Id: <199411110514.AAA06644@hubcap.clemson.edu> X-Sender: firstname.lastname@example.org Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Fri, 11 Nov 1994 01:14:22 -0500 To: "D. Heistad" <dheistad@BLUE.WEEG.UIOWA.EDU>, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, BroadstonC@INTMED-PO.INT-MED.UIOWA.EDU, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, Melanie_Cooper.email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, rbarrett@WRANGLER.LANL.GOV, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, slevey@BLUE.WEEG.UIOWA.EDU, AMADISON2@vaxc.hofstra.edu, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, tisha.K.email@example.com, Amy.DePlanche@um.cc.umich.edu, Mark.P.Bolach@um.cc.umich.edu, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Dean A. Heistad) Subject: Joke... (LONG) Status: RO TACO HELL The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things. On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting pissed at me. ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go." IT: "Is that it?" ME: "Yep." IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?" ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.] At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them. IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?" MG: "No. A what?" IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me." MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." [my emp] IT: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?" ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?" IT: "I don't know." ME: "See here where it says legal tender?" IT: "Yeah." ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?" IT: "Well, hang on a sec." He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and IT: "He says I have to take it." MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?" IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change." MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emp] IT: "What should I do?" MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money." IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him." MG: "Just tell him." IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back." The manager approaches me and says MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.] ME: "Well, here's a two." MG: "We don't take *those* either." ME: "Why the hell not?" MG: "I think you *know* why." ME: "No really, tell me, why?" MG: "Please leave before I call mall security." ME: "Excuse me?" MG: "Please leave before I call mall security." ME: "What the hell for?" MG: "Please, sir." ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them." MG: "Would you please just leave?" ME: "No." MG: "Fine, have it your way then." ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?" At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper] SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?" MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money." SG: "Really? What?" MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill." SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous] MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty." SG: "So, the fifty's fake?" MG: "NO, the $2 is." SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?" MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?" SG: "Yeah..." Security guard walks over to me and says SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use." ME: "Uh, no." SG: "Lemme see 'em." ME: "Why?" SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?" At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill." I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?" MG: "It's fake." SG: "It doesn't look fake to me." MG: "But it's a **$2** bill." SG: "Yeah?" MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?" The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food. ..................................................................... Dean Heistad, email@example.com> Don't forget to turn firstname.lastname@example.org on your headlights email@example.com when driving the firstname.lastname@example.org InfoHighway at night
Article 2890 of rec.humor.funny: Path: apple!decwrl!looking!funny-request From: email@example.com (Nick Rothwell) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: 20 Things That Never Happen in "Star Trek" Keywords: funny Message-ID: <S2c5.firstname.lastname@example.org> Date: 27 Jul 91 23:30:05 GMT Lines: 82 Approved: email@example.com [Sorry: another Star Trek posting. - Nick.] (Article from Edinburgh University's MIDWEEK Student Magazine, by Graeme MacDonald.) 20 Things That Never Happen in "Star Trek" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before. 2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright. 3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly. 4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat. 5. The crew ofthe Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay. 6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive. 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident. 8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads. 9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff. 10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial. 11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties. 12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems. 13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. 14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century. 15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. 16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. 17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher. 18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change. 19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him. 20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected. But we still love it, right kids? -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Please! No copyrighted stuff. Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics, Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes.
Article 2951 of rec.humor.funny: Path: apple!mips!sdd.hp.com!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!lll-winken!looking!funny-request From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Kevin Denelsbeck) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Summer Movies To Whet Your Appetite Keywords: original, chuckle Message-ID: <S2dc.email@example.com> Date: 19 Aug 91 23:30:07 GMT Lines: 42 Approved: firstname.lastname@example.org One time on Saturday Night Live, Dennis Miller made mention of a "new movie" coming out called "Crocodile Gandhi". In a similar vein, Not Necessarily The News (on HBO) once had a teaser for "Superman III, Psycho II". My friends and I here at UNC have come up with some "sequels" of our own, titles that combine the titles of already existing movies. See what you think, and please email us if you come up with some yourself! The list is always growing... Dirty Dances With Wolves What About Bob And Carol And Ted And Alice? Pee Wee's Big Adventures In Babysitting Marathon Rain Man When Dirty Harry Met Sally... Nightmare On Wall Street Star Trek II: The Grapes Of The Wrath Of Khan License To Kill A Mockingbird The Year Of Johnny Dangerously Young Naked Guns The Elephant Man With Two Brains Peggy Sue Got Married To The Mob Three Men And Rosemary's Baby Lambada: The Forbidden Planet Zorro, The Gay Blade Runner 2001 Dalmatians Smokey And The Time Bandits The Creature From The Blue Lagoon Terminators Of Endearment ...and our favorite... Godzilla Must Be Crazy! Hope to hear from everyone! Dan, Al, and Kev @ UNC -- Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Please! No copyrighted stuff. Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics, Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes.
From email@example.com Fri May 20 13:53:10 1994 Received: from amdahl.com by apple.com with SMTP (5.61/8-Oct-1993-eef) id AA11352; Fri, 20 May 94 13:49:55 -0700 Received: by amdahl.com (/\==/\ Smail #25.33) id <m0q4bUY-0000FEC@amdahl.com>; Fri, 20 May 94 13:48 PDT Received: by amdahl.uts.amdahl.com (/\../\ Smail22.214.171.124 #14.16) id <m0q4bSL-00002vC@amdahl.uts.amdahl.comgt;; Fri, 20 May 94 13:46 PDT Message-Id: <m0q4bSL-00002vC@amdahl.uts.amdahl.com> Date: Fri, 20 May 94 13:46 PDT From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Andy McFadden) To: email@example.com Subject: metrics Status: RO ----- From: Monty Solomon <monty@roscom.COM> Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [rec.humor,...] Re: Metric Prefixes Date: 20 May 1994 11:16:06 GMT From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Mark Israel) Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.usage.english Subject: Re: Metric Prefixes In article <CpIqLu.4FC@seagoon.newcastle.edu.au>, Peter Moylan <email@example.com> writes: > 10^12 dactyls = 1 teradactyl > 10^15 philes = 1 petaphile > 10^18 stentials = 1 exastential Dubious metrics --------------- A millihelen is the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. A microhelen is the amount of beauty required to motivate one sailor. A megahelen is the amount of beauty required to make the sailor think in any other terms than a one-night stand. But this is all rather bogus, since we are applying metric prefixes to Troy units. Other dubious metrics: 10**21 piccolos = 1 gigolo 10**18 minations = 1 examination 10**15 coats = 1 petacoat 10**12 bulls = 1 terabull 10**12 microphones = 1 megaphone 10**12 pins = 1 terrapin billions and billions = 1 Sagan 10**9 lows = 1 gigalow 10**9 antics = 1 gigantic 10**9 questions = 1 gigawhat 10**9 micrometers = 1 kilometer = 200 pentameters 10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles 2*10**3 millinaries = 4 seminaries = 1 binary 2*10**3 mockingbirds = 2 kilo mockingbird 1000 Kowalskis = 1 Kilokowalski ("Killer" Kowalski was a well-known professional wrestler about 20 years ago.) 10 cards = 1 decacard 10 decor = 1 hector 10 dence = 1 decadence 10 halls with boughs of holly = decahalls with etc. 10 millipedes = 1 centipede 10 monologues = 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue 10 rations = 1 decoration 5 holocausts = 1 Pentecost 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 2 bulls = 1 Pair a bull 2 homosexuals = 1 bisexual 1 centipede/second = 1 velocipede 1/2 Soviet press agency = 1 demitasse 10**-1 mate = 1 decimate 10**-2 mentals = 1 centimental 10**-3 ink machines = 1 millink machine 10**-3 on = 1 million 10**-5 dollars = 1 Millicent 10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche 10**-6 scopes = 1 microscope 10**-9 goats = 1 nanogoat 10**-9 Nanettes = 1 nanoNanette 10**-12 boos = 1 picoboo 10**-12 boulevards = 1 pico-boulevard 10**-12 dillies = 1 picodilly 10**-15 fatales = 1 femtofatale 10**-15 bismol = 1 fepto bismol 10**-18 boys = 1 atto boy nano-nano = a prefix designating 10**-18 -- Postings to alt.humor.best-of-usenet reflect what the submittor considers to be the best in usenet humor, and the poster is responsible for the content. The moderator removes duplicates, copyrighted material, posts without headers, but does not drop articles based on content. See the group charter for more info. Sigs may be truncated. Moderator address: firstname.lastname@example.org -----
Article 2066 of rec.humor.funny: Path: apple!hercules!fernwood!uunet!wuarchive!cs.utexas.edu!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watserv1!ria!looking!funny-request From: email@example.com Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: software lawsuits Keywords: computer, smirk Message-ID: <S174.firstname.lastname@example.org> Date: 24 Aug 90 10:30:03 GMT Lines: 20 Approved: email@example.com In the wake of the recent court victory by Lotus over concerning copyright infringement, Microsoft Inc. announced today that they are suing Lotus for infringing on their lawsuit copyrights. "We have examined the text of the Lotus lawsuits and have determined that they violate our copyright on look-and-feel lawsuits," a spokesman for Microsoft said. "A lot of effort was spent developing the concept of look-and-feel lawsuits and Lotus is capitalizing on our work." At the same time, Microsoft filed for a patent on look-and-feel lawsuits. A federal judge granted a preliminary injuction against Lotus, preventing them from pursuing further lawsuits on the basis of copyright infringement until formal briefs could be filed by both sides. Borland stock jumped 1 5/8 on the news. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Jokes posted instead of mailed often don't have a valid reply address.
From apple!sun-barr!ames!lll-winken!uunet!ncrlnk!ncrorl!bjb Fri May 12 09:44:52 PDT 1989 Article 24926 of rec.humor: Path: apple!sun-barr!ames!lll-winken!uunet!ncrlnk!ncrorl!bjb From: bjb@ncrorl.Orlando.NCR.COM (Barbara Bowen) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Re: Riddle Summary: Inverted aphorisms Keywords: silly, creative minds Message-ID: <531@ncrorl.Orlando.NCR.COM> Date: 11 May 89 20:03:05 GMT Reply-To: bjb@ncrorl.UUCP (Barbara Bowen) Distribution: na Organization: NCR Systems Engineering - Orlando Lines: 16 >I would be curious to see what the creative minds of rec.humor could >come up with. How about the following?: A fool and his money are never around when you need them. Nothing ventured, nothing lost. The early worm gets the bird. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. He who laughs, lasts. People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass. He who hesitates is sometimes saved. A bird in the hand can get quite messy. A penny saved won't buy anything these days. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- EMAIL: barbara.bowen@Orlando.NCR.COM (...ncrlnk!ncrorl!bjb) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ From apple!gem.mps.ohio-state.edu!wuarchive!texbell!ssbn!looking!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request Fri Sep 29 21:27:31 PDT 1989 Article 1364 of rec.humor.funny: Path: apple!gem.mps.ohio-state.edu!wuarchive!texbell!ssbn!looking!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request From: firstname.lastname@example.org (A.R. PRUSS) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Last Margaliot Jokeline Keywords: rec_humor_cull, funny, sexual, stereotypes Message-ID: <email@example.com> Date: 28 Sep 89 23:30:57 GMT Sender: firstname.lastname@example.org Lines: 106 Approved: email@example.com Reply-Path: uwovax.uwo.ca!2014_5001 The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A company in the Foreign Legion had spend three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades. "And on the third day..." he began, "No! no! start with the first day." everyone yells out in chorus. "And on the third day, " the private continues " she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom..." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- On the wall of a church was a sign, "If you are tired of sin, come to see us!" And right below it in nice rounded letters; "But if you're not, my phone number is 341 3451" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs. "Get this guy," laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal, "Trying to teach *us* how to do business!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man meets his girl friend of 25 years ago. She was so happy to see him that she couldn't resist and asked him to come up and see her some time. -"With pleasure!" says the man. So he bought some wine and a bunch of flowers and in the evening he went to see her. When the door opens there she was, stark naked. -"What's this?" the man was shocked. She smiles and says, "I wore my birthday dress for you." -"That's great" he says some what embarassed, " But couldn't you have pressed it first?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First he asked that the airconditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold and so on for about half an hour. Surprizingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. -"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile, "We don't even have an air conditioner" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A good looking chick walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to swim. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the watchman appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited. -"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scoulded him. -"Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't" he replied. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young french girl was visiting New York when her cash funds run dry and her visa expired. She met a sailor who agreed to stow her aboard his ship that was about to sail. Every day he would bring her food and drink and in return all she had to do was give him a bit of love, lacking much choice the girl agreed. And so everyday the sailor brought some food and would get some loving in return. This went on for several weeks until the captain saw the sailor sneaking around with a tray of food and the whole affair was uncovered. The captain felt obliged to apologize to the girl: "I'm very sorry about all that has happened to you, but you have to admit the sailor is smart. Do you know you're on the Staten Island Ferry?" The End -- -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.ON.CA From apple!vsi1!daver!ssbn!looking!funny-request Fri Sep 29 21:48:13 PDT 1989 Article 1365 of rec.humor.funny: Path: apple!vsi1!daver!ssbn!looking!funny-request From: firstname.lastname@example.org.EDU (Robin Colgrove) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Military Intelligence Keywords: smirk Message-ID: <email@example.com> Date: 29 Sep 89 10:30:15 GMT Sender: firstname.lastname@example.org Lines: 34 Approved: email@example.com Reply-Path: ccb.ucsf.EDU!robin A ways back, when we were debating whether a particular patient's very strange answers on the mental status exam warranted a workup for a possible brain lesion (sadly these days not at all an unlikely proposition), our attending related a true-life parable from a simpler time. As he tells it: I was in Korea doing screening history and physicals for the troops on the way to the front. After a spotless checkup on a certain fine specimen of American manhood, I started in on the "Mental Status" exam. Who is the President, count back from a hundred by sevens, what is meant by A Stitch In Time Saves Nine, and all the usual old chestnuts. We were humming along fine till I came to the "Insight and Judgement" section. I read from my standard-issue manual: You are walking along the street and come upon an unlabeled envelope. In the envelope you find 1000 dollars in unmarked twenty dollar bills. What do you do? The young private stared at me blankly for a moment then crisply replied, "I would report to my superior officer and await further instructions." Dumbfounded, I asked him if that was all. "I would report to my superior officer and await further instructions, Sir." he shot back. Taking pen in hand, I forever eliminated my chances of a military career by noting in the soldier's chart: Recruit displays either the most total lack of imagination and initiative I have ever seen in my career as a physician... or the most perfect dedication to the principles of military thought yet recorded in this battalion. I am not quite sure which. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
"I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one."
A lot of radio and TV shows are now offering tapes and transcripts of programs. I recently heard this on the NPR show "Car Talk": To order a tape of this show, call xxx-xxx-xxxx. If you want a transcript, call xxx-xxx-xxxx, order a tape, and write down what you hear.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Albert Einstein
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." -- Jeff Berner
The difference between theory and practice is bigger in practice than in theory.
Don't anthropomorphize computers. They don't like it. --Stefan Chakerian firstname.lastname@example.org
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.
Article 3276 of rec.humor.funny: Path: apple!sun-barr!lll-winken!looking!funny-request From: email@example.com (Robert Smart) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Side affect of an infinite universe Keywords: chuckle, science Message-ID: <S36b.firstname.lastname@example.org> Date: 9 Jan 92 00:30:05 GMT Organization: CSIRO DIT (Melb.) Lines: 19 Approved: email@example.com For those who didn't make it to page 249 of "The Anthropic Cosmological Principle" by John Barrow and Frank Tipler, I quote "In a randomly infinite Universe, any event occurring here and now with finite probability must be occurring simultaneously at an infinite number of other sites in the Universe. It is hard to evaluate this idea any further, but one thing is certain: if it is true then it is certainly not original!" By the way it is a great book. If you don't like equations just skip those bits: you don't have to grok the equations to get a lot out of it. Bob Smart -- Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to firstname.lastname@example.org. If you mail to email@example.com, it makes sure that your joke is tagged as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards. Always attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.
How To Write Good by Bill Safire 1. Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. 2. No sentence fragments. 3. It behooves us to avoid archaisms. 4. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration. 5. Don't use no double negatives. 6. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: Resist hyperbole. 7. Avoid commas, that are not necessary. 8. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 9. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. 10. Writing carefully, dangling participles should not be used. 11. Kill all exclamation points! 12. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 13. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 14. Take the bull by the hand, and don't mix metaphors. 15. Don't verb nouns. 16. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 17. Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.
Article 3612 of rec.humor.funny: Path: apple!netcomsv!decwrl!looking!funny-request From: RICHARD@lane.cc.ukans.edu (Richard Kershenbaum) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Freshman Physics and Heavy Boots Keywords: true, science, smirk Message-ID: <S3ee.firstname.lastname@example.org> Date: 19 May 92 08:30:04 GMT Lines: 53 Approved: email@example.com The following was sent to me by Dr.Adrian Melott, Associate Professor of Physics and Astronomy here at the University of Kansas: THE BURNING QUESTION OF HEAVY BOOTS I put two multiple choice questions on my Physics 111 test, after the study of elementary mechanics and gravity: 13. If you are standing on the Moon, and holding a rock, and you let it go, it will: (a) float away (b) float where it is (c) move sideways (d) fall to the ground (e) none of the above 25. When the Apollo astronauts wre on the Moon, they did not fall off because: (a) the Earth's gravity extends to the Moon (b) the Moon has gravity (c) they wore heavy boots (d) they had safety ropes (e) they had spiked shoes The response showed some interesting patterns! The first question was generally of average difficulty, compared with the rest of the test: 57% got it right. The second question was easier: 73% got it right. So, we need more research to explain the people who got #25 right but did not get #13 right! The second interesting point is that these questions proved to be excellent discriminators: that is, success on these two questions proved to be an extremely good predictor of overall success on the test. On the first question, 92% of those in the upper quarter of the test score got it right; only 20% of those in the bottom quarter did. They generally chose answers (a) or (b). On the second question, 97% in the upper quarter got it right and 33% in the lower quarter did. The big popular choice of this group was (c)...33% chose heavy boots, followed closely by safety ropes at 27%. A telling comment on the issue of fairness in teaching elementary physics: Two students asked if I was going to continue asking them about things they had never studied in the class. Adrian Melott -- Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to firstname.lastname@example.org. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to email@example.com instead.
Article 1813 of alt.folklore.computers: Path: apple!mips!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!pacific.mps.ohio-state.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!ucbvax!ziploc!eps From: eps@toaster.SFSU.EDU (Eric P. Scott) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Re: Cat bringing system down Summary: Another animals-and-HPs story Message-ID: <321@toaster.SFSU.EDU> Date: 18 Feb 90 21:18:53 GMT References: <JV.90Feb18151806@mhres.mh.nl> Reply-To: eps@cs.SFSU.EDU (Eric P. Scott) Organization: San Francisco State University Lines: 13 A few years back, when Hewlett-Packard was pushing touchscreens (HP 150?), I read a letter in one of the magazines from ... I've spaced it--it was somewhere in South America or Central America. Anyway, it complained that HP had obviously failed to test their equipment in non-US environments: in that part of the world, flies were ubiquitous, and they seemed to be attracted to glowing things, like areas of the screen labeled TOUCH HERE TO DELETE FILE and TOUCH HERE TO CONFIRM DELETION -=EPS=-
This test was published by The Ohio State Engineer magazine in Spring 1988. Good luck. ************************************************************************* A Review Test to Graduate from The Ohio State University ************************************************************************* Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin inmediately. HISTORY. Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating specifically but not exclusively on the social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. PUBLIC SPEAKING. 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient languaje except Latin or Greek. BIOLOGY. Create life. Estimate the difference in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis. MUSIC. Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with a flute and a drum. You will find a piano under your seat. PSYCHOLOGY. Based on the knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramsesall, Gregory of Nicoa, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with questions from each man's work making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate. SOCIOLOGY. Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. ENGINEERING. The dissasembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision. ECONOMICS. Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question. POLITICAL SCIENCE. There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. EPISTEMOLOGY. Take a position for or against the truth. Prove the validity of your position. PHILOSOPHY. Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE. Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. EXTRA CREDIT. Define the Universe. Give three examples. (Reference: The Ohio State Engineer, O.S.U., Spring 1988) -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Article 2230 of rec.humor.funny: Path: apple!mips!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!lll-winken!looking!watmath!maytag!oddjob!watserv1!looking!funny-request From: firstname.lastname@example.org (The sixth sick sheep!) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: As asked for in your Request for Humour in DIY fusion Keywords: heard it, chuckle Message-ID: <S1cb.email@example.com> Date: 19 Nov 90 00:30:08 GMT Lines: 107 Approved: firstname.lastname@example.org Drinkers Fault-Finding Guide ============================ Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; shirt front is wet. Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; Beer unusually pale and clear. Fault : Glass is empty. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Feet cold and wet. Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom : Feet warm and wet. Fault : Loss of self-control. Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Bar swaying. Fault : Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress. Solution : Insert broom handle down back of jacket. Symptom : Bar moving. Fault : You are being carried out. Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked. Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault : You have fallen over backwards. Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends. Fault : You have fallen over forwards. Solution : Same as for falling over backwards. Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter. Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in. Symptom : Everything has gone dim. Fault : The pub is closing. Solution : PANIC !!!!! -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From Lyons@act.org Fri Jul 7 09:51:33 1995 Received: from actgw.act.org by apple.com with SMTP (5.61/8-Oct-1993-eef) id AA18228; Fri, 7 Jul 95 09:51:26 -0700 for dlyons Received: from act.org by actgw.act.org (AIX 3.2/UCB 5.64/4.03) id AA14085; Fri, 7 Jul 1995 11:46:19 -0500 Received: from cc:Mail by SMTP.ACT.ORG id AA805143365; Fri, 07 Jul 95 11:40:46 CST Date: Fri, 07 Jul 95 11:40:46 CST From: Lyons@act.org Message-Id: <9506078051.AA805143365@SMTP.ACT.ORG> To: email@example.com Subject: LIBSUP> Thought for July Status: R Reply-To: firstname.lastname@example.org Sender: email@example.com Precedence: bulk Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: MULTIPART/MIXED; BOUNDARY="Boundary (ID a/hBPDihsAC84q+ftEaryA)" X-Listprocessor-Version: 7.1 -- ListProcessor by CREN -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dave--Here is a 4th of July document about the "fallacies" of the Declaration of Independence, purportedly written by the a management analyst to King George III. MOM --Boundary (ID a/hBPDihsAC84q+ftEaryA) Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN Hi, My supervisor sent this to me and I loved it. I thought some of you might appreciate it as well. LINDA PUTNAM DOCUMENTS DEPARTMENT ****** ****** * * STROZIER LIBRARY * * * * FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY ****** ****** * * TALLAHASSEE, FL 32306-2047 * * * * * ****** ******** BITNET: PUTNAML@FIRNVX INTERNET: PUTNAML@FIRNVX.FIRN.EDU DISCLAIMER: The opinions, ideas, and attitudes expressed in this posting are the exclusive property of the author unless otherwise stated. --Boundary (ID a/hBPDihsAC84q+ftEaryA) Content-type: MESSAGE/RFC822 Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 04:01:01 -0500 From: Dan Galvin <firstname.lastname@example.org> To: Multiple recipients of list TFTD-L <TFTD-L@TAMVM1.TAMU.EDU> Subject: Thought for Monday, Jul 03, 1995 The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion. 3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. 5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. 7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies? 8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators. 9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. 10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. 11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix. We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required. Sincerely, Management Analyst to the British Crown (TFTD will return on or about 5July95) --Boundary (ID a/hBPDihsAC84q+ftEaryA)--
From: email@example.com Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: My Father's Wisdom Keywords: true, science, chuckle Message-ID: <S416.firstname.lastname@example.org> Date: 27 Jun 92 23:30:03 GMT Lines: 23 Approved: email@example.com One day, when I was about eight years old, my father and I made a rare trip into Chicago to see a basketball game. My father was a chemist at Argonne National Labs and he worked nights, so we didn't get many chances to spend time together. During a break in the action we went to the bathroom. While we were standing at the urinals, a man came into the bathroom, washed his hands and came over to the urinal next to my father. After a few moments my father said, "So, you're a chemist. Where do you work?" The man looked a little startled at my father's prescience, but soon they were chatting away about organic solvents. As we left the bathroom I asked my father how he'd known that man was a chemist. "Simple," my father said. "A chemist always washes his hands *before* he goes to the bathroom." -- Scott Turner
It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale". Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
Article 3250 of rec.humor.funny: Path: apple!decwrl!looking!funny-request From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Gary Partain) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Brain Damage Quiz Keywords: smirk Message-ID: <S361.email@example.com> Date: 30 Dec 91 11:30:04 GMT Lines: 97 Approved: firstname.lastname@example.org This little ditty was given to me by an old girlfriend when I was in college. I have no idea where it came from, or who originally wrote it. One hint: This makes a whole lot more sense if you drink heavily before reading it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brain Damage Quiz Following is a quiz. Please answer all questions honestly, and to the best of your ability, or your answers may not be honest, or to the best of your ability. 1. t/f People tell me one thing one day and out the other. 2. t/f I can't unclasp my hands. 3. t/f I can wear my shirts as pants. 4. t/f I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today. 5. t/f At parties, I like to sit by myself and collect a great deal of saliva. 6. t/f I often mistake my hands for food. 7. t/f I'd rather eat soap than little stones. 8. t/f I never liked room temperature. 9. t/f I line my pockets with hot cheese. 10. t/f My throat is closer than it seems. 11. t/f I am annoyed by the taste of my teeth. 12. t/f Sometimes I feel compelled to count the freckles on my arms over and over until I lose control of my bladder. 13. t/f Most things are better eaten than forgotten. 14. t/f Likes and dislikes are among my favorites. 15. t/f My patio is covered with killer frost. 16. t/f I've lost all sensation in my shirt. 17. t/f I try to swallow at least three times a day. 18. t/f My best friend is a social worker. 19. t/f I've always known when to close my eyes. 20. t/f My squirrels don't know where I am tonight. 21. t/f Little can be said for Luxembourg. 22. t/f No napkin is sanitary enough for me. 23. t/f I walk this way because I have to. 24. t/f Walls impede my progress. 25. t/f I can't find my marmots. 26. t/f I like mechanics magazines, but I would rather fondle a marine. 27. t/f My uncle is as stupid as paste. 28. t/f I can pet animals by the mouthful. 29. t/f My toes are numbered. 30. t/f Man's reach should exceed his overbite. 31. t/f People tell me I'm deaf. 32. t/f My beaver won't go near the water. 33. t/f I can find my ears, but I have to look for them. 34. t/f I don't like any of my loved ones. 35. t/f Sometimes I have the strange feeling that I've done something before. 36. t/f Sometimes I have the strange feeling that I've done something before. 37. t/f A good friend should stick to the ceiling when the going gets rough. -- Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to email@example.com. Do not use the old site of "looking.on.ca" please. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
From apple!decwrl!looking!funny-request Tue Aug 6 06:50:10 PDT 1991 Article 2915 of rec.humor.funny: Path: apple!decwrl!looking!funny-request From: firstname.lastname@example.org Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Physics supply store Keywords: science, smirk, original Message-ID: <S2ce.email@example.com> Date: 5 Aug 91 10:30:04 GMT Lines: 59 Approved: firstname.lastname@example.org ACME PHYSICS SUPPLY SHOPPE ------------------------------------------------------------------- Frictionless Surfaces only $4.95 per square meter! Inextensible Massless Rope only $1.99 per meter! Point Masses only $1.39 per kilogram! Massless, Zero-Volume Paint --Perfect for labeling those *** SOLD OUT *** pesky electrons so you can keep them straight! Frictionless Pulleys only $2.00 ea. Massless Pulleys only $4.49 ea. Frictionless, Massless Pulleys regularly $10.00, now only $7.49 ! Ideal Springs $.75 and up Ideal Gas -monatomic $5.00 per liter * -diatomic $7.50 per liter * -triatomic $10.00 per liter * * plus deposit on container. All gases delivered at STP. Magnetic Monopoles $1.25 ea. --Great Party Jokes! Thousands of Possibilities! Annoy that theoretician in your family! Perfect Voltmeter only $99.99 Perfect Ammeter only $159.99 Special Sale: Buy Ammeter, get Voltmeter for half price! 700 W Perfect Refrigerator only $899.99 Zero-Resistance Wire --Various guages available, inquire as to price and/or availability An original idea by B. Bacher, with a bit of help from a few friends... -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA If you mail to email@example.com, it makes sure that your joke is tagged as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards. Always attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.
"Direct quotes don't have to be exact, or even accurate. Truth is as irrelevant to a newspaper as it is to a court of law" - Judge Alarcon, 9th circuit court of appeals (paraphrased) David Palmer firstname.lastname@example.org